If you are old enough to remember, you surely recall a 1975 hit song entitled “Why Can’t We Be Friends” by a group called WAR. From concert halls to all types of public venues, those words became an international anthem. Those words especially ring true when transitioning from friendship to a new leadership role within an organization. How do new leaders successfully navigate the relationship shift from close workplace colleagues to being the supervisor of those same individuals?
According to a Harvard Business Review study (What to Do When You Become Your Friend’s Boss, September 24, 2020), 90 percent of first-time managers struggle with the transition from friend to boss. This study pulls from an international survey pool of 200 male and 200 female recently promoted managers. The study asked the following probing questions:
- How do you maintain relationships with colleagues with whom you are friends?
- What happened to your friendships when you were promoted?
- Have your friendships been affected since you started your new role?
- What has changed since taking up your new role?
- What do you miss about the times before you became a boss?
- Do your friends influence your decision making? If so, how?
- To whom do you offload in times of stress?
These and other critical questions are important to answer for new leaders in making a smooth role transition. The opposite is also true. Not thinking about these questions can prove to be destructive for the boss/friend relationship. The study reveals that 70 percent of the newly minted leaders reported the loss of previously close friendships since assuming their new leadership role.
So how do you move from research to the real solutions? Fortunately, the study takes a game-changing pivot from questions to tips for new managers. Here are a few recommendations to consider with my personal commentary.
Acknowledge the power shift.
Eighty (80) percent of the referenced new managers did not have a conversation with their friends about how the promotion changed the power dynamics of their relationship. Even if you do not have all of the answers, just having a conversation acknowledging the role shift can solve many problems. It helps to let your team know you still see them as human beings and not merely human resources. It also provides some level of assurance that you are still the same person with no hidden agendas, a negative characteristic typically attached to leadership positions.
Find new people with whom to vent.
Look for a trusted co-manager or, even better, a non-workplace personal or professional mentor to share your frustrations. You have no guaranteed control over where information will travel or how it will be interpreted. Hence, you want to be strategic about taking courses of action to minimize hurting your reputation and the feelings of others.
Be consistent and fair.
It is incredibly challenging not to have favorite employees with whom you enjoy working and find reliable for completing tasks with excellence. However, it is important to avoid a hint of favoritism. Favoritism will kill team morale and the leader’s credibility before the devil even gets out of bed. When favoritism is shown by leaders, resentment against the leader and the favored employee(s) is not far behind. The solution is to use objective and results-oriented criteria for rewarding employees, not subjective personal preferences.
Manage how much you share on social media.
Be careful when connecting with co-workers on social media, regardless of the platform. You have no control over how information will be interpreted — or misinterpreted. The study reveals that 10 percent of respondents “unfollowed” and “unfriended” colleagues (and friends) after they became managers.
The most difficult ship to steer is a relationship. Fortunately, the move from buddy to boss can be a positive relationship experience for all. It will simply require some authentic conversations and strategic decisions for the path ahead. The power of a conversation and a decision is utterly amazing.
