Life lessons for parenting

Pointless

  • Begin immediately putting money aside. You will need to continually bribe your parents to tell your children how wonderful a child you were growing up.
  • From the first time you and your spouse are awakened by a baby’s kick, remember you will never again sleep through the night until this child is on his or her own, more than 18 years from now.
  • As you wipe noses and bottoms, feel satisfied that someday you will be very elderly and your children will have to do this for you.
  • As your child attempts new things, if you cannot be positive with your comments, stay quiet. (You will notice how other parents of a five-year-old on the soccer field or in the dance class are strangely mute.)
  • Before getting upset that your child lost mittens or a hat, check out the Lost and Found box at school. Other parents’ kids have lost pants, shoes, overcoats and bicycle seats.
  • “Clean your room” is a goal, not an instruction. The words you must say are, “Put the dirty clothes into the hamper, take those plates and cups back to the kitchen sink and get all toys off the floor and into the toy chest NOW.” Follow that will an explanation that NOW ends within three minutes.
  • Never ever get your child a pet, regardless of what the child promises you about the pet’s care. It will be yours forever to walk, to feed, to clean up after and to eternally deal with. And, chances are that your child would give the pet some horrible name that you will be ashamed of uttering in public.
  • You will believe that your child loved your special fried chicken that you stayed up and prepared every night for seven years for his lunch until you discover that he always traded it for an Oreo cookie each day.
  • Your child will tell you the teacher is the worst person in the world and hates all children. Display empathy but secretly think, “Go, Teacher!”
  • Even if you study religion, your children will still come home from Sunday School with questions that would stump even the most astute theologians.
  • If you think that kids do not know the value of money, just threaten to throw out that brand new bicycle left outside in the rain. They know you would never do that.
  • Never let your children meet people you grew up with who may have dirty little secrets about you. (As far as my own kids are concerned, all my childhood friends were killed off by dinosaurs.)
  • Destroy all your school yearbooks. If you don’t, you will come home one day to find your child and every other child in the neighborhood calling you by that awful nickname.
  • Another valid reason for destroying old yearbooks: your kids will undoubtedly find that photo of your worst hair style and your clothes that should have been outlawed by the fashion police.
  • Time out is a wonderful way to establish a chance to collect oneself — for the parent. (Personally, I sent my son to Time Out for more cumulative minutes than if he were a lifer in solitary confinement in the state prison system.)
  • Develop a look that is a combination of utter disdain and of a crazed sociopath. Someday a boy will come to take your daughter out and you want him to remember that look on your face.
  • If you do not want your kids to learn to tell lies, they should not be in the car when a policeman pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.
  • Remember that someday grandchildren will be your gift from the Almighty for having held off on murdering your teenagers when you considered it.
Stan Glasofer
About Stan Glasofer 10 Articles
Stan Glasofer is retired and lives in Newport News. He is married and is a father, grandfather and personal valet for Mac. He can be reached by email at glasofer@verizon.net.

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