More fun with forms

A couple of readers responded to my column on Fun with Forms. I am truly humbled. I would like to relay some additional ways of playing with answering forms, a few of which came from these readers. (Trust me, these answers should only be used after you have decided you have no desire to pursue any future with the organization that gave you this form.)

• When the first item says, “Please write your name. Print clearly.” Answer with “Your name,” followed by printing in big letters “CLEARLY.”
• Date? Answer, “Yes. Where would you like to go?”
• Address? Answer, “Why do you need that? Are you like a stalker or something?”
• Social Security Number? Answer with listing at least two sets of numbers.
• Who referred you to us? Answer, “My therapist. He said this would be a good test to see if I can handle stress without becoming physically aggressive.”
• If you could have any super power, what would it be? Answer, “I would be able to write questionnaires far better than this.”
• Hobbies or outside interests? Answer, “I collect stamps. I currently have more than 10,000 undelivered letters for my neighbors in my collection.”
• Would you say that your family is stable? Answer, “Well, my great-grandparents have been in the same location for more than 50 years now.
• Military experience? Answer, “If I tell you, your life would be in danger. That is all I am willing to say.”
• Any allergies? Answer, “Only to stupid people.” If you meet with these people, start an episode of sneezing or scratching. (This is a great way to see who truly read your answers.)

Speaking of meeting with these people, there might be times when you are actually in an interview and you reach the conclusion, “I really do not want this job!” Wouldn’t it be fun to just spend the next few minutes coming up with the most bizarre answers for whatever you might be asked? Here are several ideas:

• Current occupation? Choice of answers, “Mattress tester, mercenary, medical test subject, heir apparent to the throne of Canada.”
• Job history? Answer, “Perhaps the earliest jobs were hunters and gatherers, which began thousands of years ago. After that, there were farmers, shamans, warriors. If you wish me to go through thousands of years of different types of occupations, you will need to give me a lot more time.”
• What made you want to leave your current job? Answer, “Maybe this is a better question for the security guards who escorted me out.”
• Salary expectation? Answer, “$12 million a year, but I am open to negotiating.”
• Experience with various types of equipment? Answer, “I have learned the hard way that it is never a good idea to lick the frosting off a moving beater.”
• Any questions? Answer, “Why were you hired here?”