Everyone loves a good story! Storytelling is a part of every culture. From the time we come into this world (maybe even before?) others are telling stories about and to us. Stories that I recall hearing about myself include: “You’re so sensitive,” or “She’s the strong one.” Over time, those stories became an internal script of what I unknowingly felt I had to perform: the people-pleaser, the perfectionist, the one who never needs help. Eventually, those performances became patterns that took a toll on my well-being and became a story that no longer fit. So, what happens when your story no longer fits?
Well, first comes recognition and understanding. Most don’t realize the stories we believe about ourselves and our inner narratives are shaped by childhood experiences, especially our Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). These experiences were never meant to define us, but we often bring them into adulthood and are often unaware of how they negatively impact how we think, believe and act.
ACEs, such as neglect and abuse, loss of parent, substance abuse, household dysfunction and exposure to chronic stress and trauma, aren’t just events we survive. ACEs are behind the scenes, silently shaping how we see ourselves, determining our worth and sculpting our communication habits. Our self-protection becomes pattern development.
Ask yourself: What stories were told about me and to me? What stories do I tell myself and to others about me? How do they impact how I show up in the world? You can be highly accomplished and appear outwardly confident, yet still hesitate advocating for your needs. You may find yourself shrinking in relationships, second-guessing your voice, saying “yes” when you want to say “no” and finding yourself trying to perfect every comment or statement to sound credible.
Don’t worry, nothing is wrong with you. These patterns are just evidence you had to adapt to survive. Shifting from survival to empowerment requires you to take the pen back and reclaim your story. Ask yourself: What beliefs do I have about myself that I did not consciously choose? How would I show up in relationships without those beliefs?
A powerful practice I use in coaching, inner narrative mapping, helps us to discover phrases, messages and beliefs that influenced us and allow us to separate trauma from truth. When I was told, “You’re too sensitive!” I was able to reframe that into: “My sensitivity allows me to meet others where they are and have deep connections and authentic relationships.”
When we identify these messages, we can challenge and reframe them. Healing begins in your daily choice to speak clearly, honestly and courageously. When we speak with clarity from our values instead of our wounds we are no longer reenacting our past — we begin reclaiming our stories.
You are not defined by the stories told to you, the experiences you had or the limiting beliefs that held you back. You are defined by the story you choose to live each day.
